Don't Get Cancer and Don't Fall Apart

I am kinda steping out of character with this post. I mostly use my blog to post pictures and other small what-n-o-t's , but I notice that I try to (like in my personal life) not let anyone in. When I sit down to post I want to share my thought's and my feeling's but my mind just goes blank and I feel awkward and a little stupid. I don't want to go to deep. I don't know why I care so much it's not like a lot of people read my blog anyways, but I just have this problem with letting it all out in writing. Well just for today I am letting it all out.


It's Father's Day weekend and my Father is dying. It's hard for me to use that word without crying, but it is what it is. We don't know when he is going to go he might have day's, week's, maybe even years but the truth is he is dying. And I knew it was coming. I like most people who have ever dealt with cancer held on to a small glimmer of hope , that everything was going to be ok. Some call it denial but I think it's more of a way to cope with the pain. Hope is a good word.

Tonight my dad felt well enough to get out of the house and they drove to our house. It was good to see him it felt almost normal. Earlier today I was telling Jon how much I missed just talking with my dad. So the visit was just what I needed. Even though it was the "Just to let you know I am dying" speech, that I already knew was coming. Besides the fact that he is missing a huge amount of brain, his left eye, and a few emotions, he is the same. He's a miracle really we like to call him a "House" episode. But I didn't need cancer to show that my dad was a miracle, I already knew that. Anyway by the end of the visit my dad kinda gave his final words of advice and they were:

"Don't get cancer, but if you do get a small insignificant kind, and don't fall apart after I am gone, because I know where I am going and we will all meet again. Promise me."

Funny thing about my dad and I is we think alike. In January when this was all palying out I fell apart. The only person who knew was Jon. Like I said before I kinda keep my feeling hidden. I remember the day's after we were given the diagnosis were spent lying on the couch trying to muster the strangth to stop crying so I could keep an eye on my kids. I couldn't eat, I had nightmares every night, which sadly continue to this day, but maybe in time those will go away. Finaly one day during the kid's naptime I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror for a least 45 min. I told myself to pull it together. "You can't fall apart Tangela" is all I said over and over. I said it until it stuck. I felt it stick and in the day's that followed I got better.

So here I am not falling apart, but that doesn't mean that things are better. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish he would be better, or that I could guarantee he is going to live to see another grand baby (no I am not pregnant) but maybe someday. Everyday is spent keeping busy it's the only way I can handle everything.

I know that one day my Father will leave this world. I know that it will be ok for him because I know were he will be going and that he will be taken care of. I know this because I had a talk with our Heavenly Father and it turns out that he loves my dad just as much as I do. So it's ok. Besides we all know death is harder for the ones who stay behind. I know that after his death it will be a while before "it's ok" and that's ok as long as I remember not to fall apart. Will that be hard? Yeah...it will be. Tonight he mentioned the grandchildren and how they probably won't remember him. Funny thing is that's the thing I am having the hardest time with. I wanted my kids to grow up knowing my dad. I know that it is up to me to keep his memory alive, but it;s not the same . He loves them so much. If there is one thing they will know about Grandpa Hall is he loved them.

Don't worry about me dad....I promise I won't fall apart, and the kids will NEVER forget you.