life dosen't make sense

I have suffered from depression my whole life. As a child and teen I never felt fine in my own skin, I always felt like I didn't belong like, I was a stranger amongst my family and friends. I often battled my own thoughts, but sometimes I was told by others the very negative things I was telling myself. I learned early that good friends were rare and very hard to find. I lost my trust in people, even in my family. I was never good enough. Someone was always better. So I just shut down. It was very lonely. It all came to a head when I was 13 years old and I had my first suicidal thought. It scared me, I had hit rock bottom. I was tired. I sat alone in my room that night and I told myself that things needed to change. I knew the people around me wouldn't so the change would have to be with me. I promised myself that I would not let this "thing" win and I would be better. I also promised myself that I would never give up or harm myself no matter how bad things got. Little did my family know, but I left my room a stronger person that night. I vowed to help others with my problem and there were many times I did. My family never understood why I hug out with the people I did. Some of my friends I sought out, but most found me. They were out of strength so I gave them all of mine.

I have come to understand a lot of depression. Anxiety as well, I have been dealing with that since I was 19. See I kinda traded depression for anxiety, not by choice. I have spent many years asking why. It took me five of those years to get the answers I have today, maybe one day I will share them, but now is not the time. Anxiety is still a daily thing, but I have come to understand and beat it as well. It was a long hard fight, but I held strong to the promise I made to that scared, tired 13 year old girl. You might be wondering why I am telling you all this. It is in fact so out of character for me. I hate writing my feelings, I prefer talking and I only bring this stuff up when asked. Well.....

Yesterday around 10:38 A.M. my beautiful Sister-in-law took her own life. Andrea jumped from the Prime Bridge. Andrea was sick. Her mind was not her own, she was so wonderful. Andrea loved life and her family. I found out yesterday that she battled depression. I had no idea. I felt the pain deep. I know depression, I know what it is and what it does. I could have helped. I could have helped. Life doesn't make sense to me right now. All I could think yesterday was "why her?" Why not me. She was 10 times the stronger person that I am so why is it I could beat it and not her? I don't have those answer's and I probably never will.

Life doesn't make sense right now. Last night it was late and I was so tired so I let my self fall asleep. I was standing next to her, I jumped with her I couldn't see my self but I saw her and we fell together. I woke with a start. Shaken I closed my eyes again, we were still falling. I woke again with tears. I closed my eyes again this time I was behind her I reached out to grab her but it was to late. I woke up Jon and told him, then I cried. I did not go back to sleep.

Life doesn't make sense right now.. For any of you worried about me. Don't. I am very stable. I am just feeling a lot of heartache. Andrea was a wonderful person. A great mother, wife, friend, sister, and daughter. I will love her always.