Jazzyisums

"Mom, this thing keeps shoving up my butt!"

-Jazzy (age 3)

*She had a wedgie, that thing was her swim suit.

Words

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow —

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone? 

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

 

-Edgar Allan Poe (A Dream Within A Dream)

When I was a seinior in High School we had to do a Poety project that consisted of: picking a poet, a slideshow of said poet's life, a paper, and finally a reciting and explanation of a memorized poem by said poet. I chose Edgar Allan Poe. (I received an A in case you were wondering) This was the poem I chose to memorize. I liked Mr. Poe for his short stories, but it was this poem that made me love him. Mr. Poe was married to his first cousin Victoria. She died of Tuberculosis. He was a crazy man with a lot of problems, but he loved his wife and mourned her death. I did not realize then what an impact this poem would have on me years later as I struggled with finding words for my  feelings day's and weeks after losing Jaxsyn. So thank you Mr. Poe for words. 

Jaxsyn's Story

*This is Jaxsyn's story. It is raw, emotional, and full of grammar and spelling errors. Forgive me.*

 

May 27, 2013

It was a Monday. Jon had just finished what we call his "long week" Jon works nights from 6pm-6am. He had just worked 3 nights in a row, so we now would be blessed with two days off. I wanted to do something that involved getting out of the house, but I felt I needed to do laundry first. By 4 p.m the laundry  was washed, folded, and put away. We decided to go to the Drive-in movie. It would be Jaxsyn's first time. Did I mention it was Memorial Day. On our way I had a feeling to call my mom and ask her if she would like to join us for dinner before the show. We had not been on speaking terms for a few months so it was odd to feel like I needed to call her, but I called. My mom had taken my Grandmother to the cemetery   to put flowers on my Grandpa's grave who happens to be next to my late sister-in-law, so when I called my brother and his new wife where with them. I invited them all to dinner. It was a good dinner. After dinner we stopped at a local store and Jon took Jayden and Jazlynn in to pick out some treats for the movie. I stayed in the car to feed Jaxsyn. I remember feeling like my heart would explode with joy. Everything was as it should be. I said a little prayer of thanks for all my blessings and for this new edition to our family. We arrived at the movies and I set up the back of the van with blankets and pillows. I took some photos of my 3 children. The movies where Epic/Croods. I held Jaxsyn the whole time. By the time we arrived back at the house it was 2:00 a.m. Tuesday May 28th. I put the older kids to bed. So because Jon worked nights and Jaxsyn was a terrible sleeper. On the nights Jon did not have to work he would keep Jaxsyn downstairs while he watched T.V. so I could grab a couple hours sleep. This night was no different. I changed him into some lighter pajamas (they were my favorite), fed him, then handed him off to Jon. As I was headed up stairs I had a feeling that something was going to happen I felt sick. I went back downstairs and told Jon that I just did not feel right. Jon would fall asleep sitting up holding Jaxsyn in the crook of his arm or have him laying on his chest typical normal stuff. I removed all blankets and other things just in case. Jon told me everything would be fine and to go to bed. I still felt that something was not right, but a friend had told me a few months after my dad died and I was worried about something happening  to one of my kids that we just have to give our fears to the lord and then trust in him. As I walked up the stairs I took a deep breath and said I trust you. It was 2:15 am. That night I slept. I had no dreams. 8:00 am. I was awoken by Jon yelling for me to come downstairs. I was groggy and disoriented  but the moment I jumped out of bed I knew. I ran downstairs and said "call 911" I did not look around at Jon I went strait for my phone and dialed. While it was ringing I looked and Jon. He had jaxsyn in his arms he kept saying "Jaxsyn please wake up" over and over again. I saw Jaxsyn's face for the first time. It was blue dark deep blue. On the phone with the dispatcher I was calm. I had to be calm. We went upstairs I grabbed the fist things I could find to ware  on because I knew someone would be there soon. Jon handed Jaxsyn to me he felt so heavy. I took him into the bathroom and ripped his pajamas open so I could start CPR. His chest was blue, his legs were this sickly yellow. I could not bend his arms they were so stiff. I told the dispatcher that I believed he was dead. Two paramedics came in at that moment. Jon was crying and screaming. I calmly walked downstairs and sat down on the step. This is a dream. This is a dream. I will wake up. It was 8:04 am. The paramedic came down to check on me. I looked up at him and asked if Jaxsyn was all right. I don't know why I asked that, but I did. He looked shocked and then just shook his head. I then called my good friend and I told her that Jaxsyn had died, I started sobbing and just said that I did not know what to do. She told she would be right over. I took a deep breath and walked back upstairs. by that time we had two police cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck in our front yard. In the bathroom I spoke to the sheriff who happened to be in our ward, He called our bishop. Jon would not speak he just kept crying. I had to stay calm and talk with everyone. I did grab Jon's hand I looked him in the eye and told him that it was not his fault. I meant it and I believed it. When a healthy baby dies the police have to treat it like a homicide. We were asked a lot of questions. Anytime a baby is not in their crib it is considered an unsafe sleeping environment and because of that they accept the possibility of suffocation. They will not tell you it's SIDS until that is ruled out by autopsy. Jon calmed enough to tell them and show them how they fell asleep on the couch and how he woke up. I was in the bathroom. I put a blanket over my son. Jayden and Jazlynn woke up and came out into the hallway, but one of the paramedics grabbed them and took them downstairs. Thankfully they did not see there brother or know what was going on. My friend showed up with her husband and the elders qourm president. She hugged me so tight and I just cried. She got my kids dressed and took them to her house. Everyone left. My family had arrived and for the first time I sat down. I stared at nothing and felt the adrenaline that was keeping me calm slowly disappear. I felt my self go into shock. Jon and I were given blessings. I thanked everyone and walked upstairs. I collapsed in the hallway and started wailing, in that moment I felt a peace come over me my wailing turned into quiet sobs. My Heavenly Father was there I felt him. I asked him to take me instead. No was the answer. My body continued to process the shock and I calmly let it. Jon came to check on me and we talked I don't remember what was said but the end result was that we were in this together. Moments later we rejoined my family downstairs all I could see was all the baby things.  I was engorged and it was painful. I just wanted to feed my son. After a few minuets I found that  I could not sit in the house anymore. I kept repeating " I don't know what to do" then it hit me. I wanted to go to the temple. Everyone looked at me like I was losing my mind, Jon was calm. I asked him if we could go to the temple. He said yes. We went. I looked like a mess and kept crying at random times but all of the answers to our questions were answered that day in the temple.

Jaxsyn was taken to Boise to have the autopsy completed. When the sheriff contacted us with the results the first thing out of his mouth was "It's not suffocation"  Unexplained SIDS was the verdict. SIDS.

At the Drive-in

Love/Hate

Well I decided to fix up the old blog. I have not posted in a while, but I do have several drafts just waiting for me to finish. Anyways so I was messing around with some things and just happened to erase my Blog's I Follow list. So if you notice your blog is missing don't think that I took you off. SO if you would like me to follow your blog just leave your blog address in the comments. I have such a love/hate relationship for this stuff, but as part of the healing process I have been told to keep a journal (groan) and I know there are alot of people wondering how I am doing so it is just easier to put it all on the blog or in my case in a "draft post".

Jaxsyn's Birth Story

I got the call that my Grandfather died May 1st. I was 39 weeks and miserable. His service was scheduled for Saturday May, 4th. I had my appointment on the 3rd. After some thinking I decided to stick with my plan of having the Dr. scrape my membranes. I had been having a lot of contractions and discomforts. I also noticed a decrease in movement but his heart was strong so the Dr wasn't concerned, but I had a feeling that he needed to be born sooner than his May 11th due date. The 3rd arrived and everything went as planed. I had pressure all day and some contractions that night, but nothing happened. The next day we packed the car (just in case) and headed to the funeral. It was a 1 hour graveside service and I stood the whole time. About 10min in my contractions started coming every 10 min. When the service ended they were very 5 min. I told Jon that it looked like we would be going to the hospital after all, but I wanted to eat first, so we joined my family at a restaurant. I had a salad and water. The contractions by then were coming every 2-3 mins so, I told Jon to hurry and finish so we could get going. We left the kids with my family and headed out. After a quick stop at Fred Myer to pick up a new card for the camera we arrived at the hospital. As per tradition I had Jon give me a blessing and then take one last prego picture before heading in. It was windy so Jon had to take a few pictures to get a good one, seconds after he took what he said "Was the last one." My waters broke. From there it was a mad dash into the Hospital. We could not stop laughing.
After we got checked in a settled. We decided to walk around a bit( I was only dilated to a 4) we made one round before I decided to go back to the room. After that we just chilled and let my body do it's thing. I was dilated to a 5, the contractions were manageable ,and I was having no problems. An hour later I was a six. I had been debating and stressing the whole nine months about weather or not to try a full natural birth. I had an epidural  with Jayden and Jazlynn, but they wore off  when it came time to push and labor has never been to difficult for me so why not. Still I was not sure I wanted that route. Well at 6cm it was time to decide, I  asked to wait one more hour. I lasted 45. Everything was going fine, but then the contractions were coming every 60 seconds and with them every nerve in my legs were on fire it was so intense that I could not breath. I told my self to hold on longer because they were going to tell me I was at a 10 and then I could push, alas when they checked me I was still a 6. I said very calmly give me the epidural. With the epidural going I could breath again and to tell you the truth I did not for one minute fill like a failure. Labor sped up at that point and an hour after the epidural was placed I was a 10, but he was still a little high. The nurse said I could try to push him down or just let my body bring him down. I had a felling to just let it happen so I opted  to just let my body work. About 20 min later he had dropped and it was time. I freaked out. The nurse told me to push and I realized that I could not feel anything. I told the nurse that I was not numb with my other two and there is no way I can push like this. She calmly asked me to do a test push, I did, then freaked out again because it did not feel like I was pushing. She asked me to turn to my side, I turned and held the railing she held one foot and Jon held the other. I told her that I could not push this numb, she looked me in the eye and told me to have faith in myself and that I could do it. I took a deep breath curled myself around my belly and pushed there was no counting, I requested no counting , anyone caught counting would be punched in the face. It was silent. I pushed twice then the nurse ran out of the room and came back with the Dr. I pushed once more. He told me to stop. I did not know what was going on. I looked up at the reflection in the light on the ceiling and saw that his head was out. The cord was wrapped around his neck twice after the removal of the cord the Dr. lifted him out. It was silent. He placed him on my chest and I looked at Jon and cried a little. Jaxsyn was perfect. They took him away and it finally hit me that he had not cried yet. I held my breath they worked on him a little then finally he cried. I was able to relax. They kept him over on the table for a little while longer while they cleaned me up. I tore a little, but I did not mind. Jaxsyn Patrick Jensen was born  on May 5th at 1:38 A.M he weighed 6lbs 13oz and was 20 inches long. He is my smallest and tallest.
Jon handed him to me all wrapped up, he looked like Jayden's twin. In that moment I had a strange feeling come over me at the time I thought it was a sign of baby blue's I would later learn that that was not the case. The fist thought I had when I held my beautiful baby was a slight feeling of sadness followed by "He is not mine." I brushed it off and continued  to enjoy my baby, but that moment left me a little unsettled still.

 * Later that day  my sister-in-law's water broke and she had my niece at 8:40P.M. on May 5th. She was not due until the 17th. Jaxsyn and Ainsley will forever share a birthday.

Just another day in Idaho

 Spring has visited us this week, don't know how long it will last so we took advantage while we could. You never know what the next day in Idaho will bring. Yesterday we took a little day trip to the Bruneau Sand Dunes (only an hour away). This was the kids first time seeing the Dunes and  they had a blast. We had a picnic next to the medium sized dune, then they were off climbing and exploring. I tried to climb up, but less then half way up I decided that maybe this was not a good activity for a pregnant lady in her 8th month. Jon agreed. So I sat at the bottom and ate while they climbed. By the end of the day everyone was exhausted, which means that the kids had no trouble falling asleep when we arrived home. It was a good day.

The bottom of the medium dune. Where Jayden is siting is where  I had to stop.

From where I was sitting they looked like little dots. This is with the camera zoomed all the way The were half way up.

Took this standing less then half way up with the camera zoomed all the way. Jayden is running for the top and has a way to go.

Out of the mouth of Babes

This afternoon I went to the grocery store ALONE! It was nice. On my  way home I stopped to put something on my dad's grave. This was the first time I visited alone, we always take the kids. I brushed off some of the dirt and things from his name plate (he still has no head stone) and commented on how he picked a good place under the tree because there was not a lot of snow covering him. I worry about that sometimes, him alone and covered in snow, so it was nice to see grass. I placed a wreath, told him I would see him later, and left.
When I arrived home the kids were happy to see me and the donuts I brought as a treat. Jayden ate his, then went off to do his own thing. I left Jazlynn to finish her's and went to lay down in the living room. After a few minutes I hear Jazzy say "Look Grandpa! I have a donut!" she then continued talking. It sounded as if she was on the phone, the talking continued and I was convinced that she had gotten a hold of the phone and was talking to Jon's dad, so I got up and walked into the kitchen. When I entered she stopped talking and I asked if she was on the phone she said no, then looked across the table to an empty chair then back at me and said very seriously  "I am talking to Grandpa."  I smiled, told her ok, and left.  It seems that dad likes to make visits of his own.