Jaxsyn's Story

*This is Jaxsyn's story. It is raw, emotional, and full of grammar and spelling errors. Forgive me.*

 

May 27, 2013

It was a Monday. Jon had just finished what we call his "long week" Jon works nights from 6pm-6am. He had just worked 3 nights in a row, so we now would be blessed with two days off. I wanted to do something that involved getting out of the house, but I felt I needed to do laundry first. By 4 p.m the laundry  was washed, folded, and put away. We decided to go to the Drive-in movie. It would be Jaxsyn's first time. Did I mention it was Memorial Day. On our way I had a feeling to call my mom and ask her if she would like to join us for dinner before the show. We had not been on speaking terms for a few months so it was odd to feel like I needed to call her, but I called. My mom had taken my Grandmother to the cemetery   to put flowers on my Grandpa's grave who happens to be next to my late sister-in-law, so when I called my brother and his new wife where with them. I invited them all to dinner. It was a good dinner. After dinner we stopped at a local store and Jon took Jayden and Jazlynn in to pick out some treats for the movie. I stayed in the car to feed Jaxsyn. I remember feeling like my heart would explode with joy. Everything was as it should be. I said a little prayer of thanks for all my blessings and for this new edition to our family. We arrived at the movies and I set up the back of the van with blankets and pillows. I took some photos of my 3 children. The movies where Epic/Croods. I held Jaxsyn the whole time. By the time we arrived back at the house it was 2:00 a.m. Tuesday May 28th. I put the older kids to bed. So because Jon worked nights and Jaxsyn was a terrible sleeper. On the nights Jon did not have to work he would keep Jaxsyn downstairs while he watched T.V. so I could grab a couple hours sleep. This night was no different. I changed him into some lighter pajamas (they were my favorite), fed him, then handed him off to Jon. As I was headed up stairs I had a feeling that something was going to happen I felt sick. I went back downstairs and told Jon that I just did not feel right. Jon would fall asleep sitting up holding Jaxsyn in the crook of his arm or have him laying on his chest typical normal stuff. I removed all blankets and other things just in case. Jon told me everything would be fine and to go to bed. I still felt that something was not right, but a friend had told me a few months after my dad died and I was worried about something happening  to one of my kids that we just have to give our fears to the lord and then trust in him. As I walked up the stairs I took a deep breath and said I trust you. It was 2:15 am. That night I slept. I had no dreams. 8:00 am. I was awoken by Jon yelling for me to come downstairs. I was groggy and disoriented  but the moment I jumped out of bed I knew. I ran downstairs and said "call 911" I did not look around at Jon I went strait for my phone and dialed. While it was ringing I looked and Jon. He had jaxsyn in his arms he kept saying "Jaxsyn please wake up" over and over again. I saw Jaxsyn's face for the first time. It was blue dark deep blue. On the phone with the dispatcher I was calm. I had to be calm. We went upstairs I grabbed the fist things I could find to ware  on because I knew someone would be there soon. Jon handed Jaxsyn to me he felt so heavy. I took him into the bathroom and ripped his pajamas open so I could start CPR. His chest was blue, his legs were this sickly yellow. I could not bend his arms they were so stiff. I told the dispatcher that I believed he was dead. Two paramedics came in at that moment. Jon was crying and screaming. I calmly walked downstairs and sat down on the step. This is a dream. This is a dream. I will wake up. It was 8:04 am. The paramedic came down to check on me. I looked up at him and asked if Jaxsyn was all right. I don't know why I asked that, but I did. He looked shocked and then just shook his head. I then called my good friend and I told her that Jaxsyn had died, I started sobbing and just said that I did not know what to do. She told she would be right over. I took a deep breath and walked back upstairs. by that time we had two police cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck in our front yard. In the bathroom I spoke to the sheriff who happened to be in our ward, He called our bishop. Jon would not speak he just kept crying. I had to stay calm and talk with everyone. I did grab Jon's hand I looked him in the eye and told him that it was not his fault. I meant it and I believed it. When a healthy baby dies the police have to treat it like a homicide. We were asked a lot of questions. Anytime a baby is not in their crib it is considered an unsafe sleeping environment and because of that they accept the possibility of suffocation. They will not tell you it's SIDS until that is ruled out by autopsy. Jon calmed enough to tell them and show them how they fell asleep on the couch and how he woke up. I was in the bathroom. I put a blanket over my son. Jayden and Jazlynn woke up and came out into the hallway, but one of the paramedics grabbed them and took them downstairs. Thankfully they did not see there brother or know what was going on. My friend showed up with her husband and the elders qourm president. She hugged me so tight and I just cried. She got my kids dressed and took them to her house. Everyone left. My family had arrived and for the first time I sat down. I stared at nothing and felt the adrenaline that was keeping me calm slowly disappear. I felt my self go into shock. Jon and I were given blessings. I thanked everyone and walked upstairs. I collapsed in the hallway and started wailing, in that moment I felt a peace come over me my wailing turned into quiet sobs. My Heavenly Father was there I felt him. I asked him to take me instead. No was the answer. My body continued to process the shock and I calmly let it. Jon came to check on me and we talked I don't remember what was said but the end result was that we were in this together. Moments later we rejoined my family downstairs all I could see was all the baby things.  I was engorged and it was painful. I just wanted to feed my son. After a few minuets I found that  I could not sit in the house anymore. I kept repeating " I don't know what to do" then it hit me. I wanted to go to the temple. Everyone looked at me like I was losing my mind, Jon was calm. I asked him if we could go to the temple. He said yes. We went. I looked like a mess and kept crying at random times but all of the answers to our questions were answered that day in the temple.

Jaxsyn was taken to Boise to have the autopsy completed. When the sheriff contacted us with the results the first thing out of his mouth was "It's not suffocation"  Unexplained SIDS was the verdict. SIDS.

At the Drive-in