watiting for this day

In February, my dad was diagnosed with a rare aggressive cancer that started in his sinus cavity and moved to his brain. He had two surgeries, the latter ending with the loss of his left eye and practically all of the inside of his face. He endured 10 weeks of daily radiation and weekly chemo. When the radiation was complete they started weekly aggressive chemo which almost killed him, so the decision was made to stop all treatment.

I have been waiting since that day for this day.

Due to the extreme disfigurement , my dad was unable to eat. He was being kept alive by a feeding tube in his belly. Two weeks ago his body decided that it no longer needed the food. How long can you survive with out food?

I have been waiting since that day for this day.

I got the call today. As we drove the 10 miles to my parents home I knew what was about to happen. We drove in silence, because I didn't want to talk about it. We arrived and entered the room where my dad lay. He was struggling to breath and did not speak. I put Jayden next to him and he gave him a loving hug then looked at my mom and said "die" and she said "yeah, grandpa's sick." He got down then ran off to play. Jazlynn was next and she patted his chest then settled in between my mom and him on the bed. All I said was "Hi dad." I then proceeded to talk you my younger brother about a hilarious show I had just watched on tv and we laughed. I knew my dad could hear me and I just figured that is what he would of wanted us to do. Before I knew it there was longer and longer pauses between his breathing...then it happened..he took his last breath and was gone. We just sat there for a minuet I watched his chest hoping to see it move, but it was still. He was gone. We all cried, and I kicked myself for not telling him that I loved him. Even though I know he all ready knows. You see he waited for me. He held on until we got there he didn't have to, but he did. After a few moments everyone left the room accept me. We sat alone. I took his hand and told him that I loved him, I told him that because of him I now have a testimony of death. I have always feared death. Because of him I don't anymore. I also told him that I would be true to my promise and "not fall apart" then I let go of his hand. As people filled the room again I felt peace. My mom sat Jazlynn on the bed and she taped his chest almost as if to wake him up. It was a sweet moment.

I don't know how I feel yet. I have a feeling that my grief with come in waves over the next day's, week's, month's and even year's. It will be a while before I am ok ,and I know that for the rest of my day's in this life there will always be an ache in my heart for my dad. But all I can do now is take it one day at a time.

I love you dad, you are the strongest man I know.